The problem with the human heart is it’s so damn fragile, like an egg.
This whole human experience of dealing with other broken humans leaves scars on us.
So when we enter into a relationship as two broken individuals, that doesn’t mean we complete each other and that we magically fill in all the blanks. Don’t believe me?
Try taking two separate broken eggs and fit them together without causing further damage or without spilling any yolk. It doesn’t work. Cracks will worsen, more damage will ensue and things will get messy.
That’s humanity.
And let me tell you, I am one broken egg.
You see all along for this painting I had this image of this light shining out of a broken heart just like that children’s song “This little light of mine” based off of Mark 4:21.
This little light of mine,
I’m gonna let it shine
This little light of mine,
I’m gonna let it shine
This little light of mine,
I’m gonna let it shine
Let it shine,
Let it shine,
Let it shine.
Hide it under a bushel? No!
I’m gonna let it shine
Hide it under a bushel? No!
I’m gonna let it shine
Hide it under a bushel? No!
I’m gonna let it shine
Let it shine,
Let it shine,
Let it shine.
If you’re like me you’ll have that stuck in your head all day now. You’re welcome haha.
Anyway, I wanted this piece to be a testament of my love, trust and faith in God. A light shining out of my heart illuminating the way for others to be healed, to understand humanity’s brokenness and the need for an all loving, all forgiving Abba, God.
However, God is Good at using us in these moments to shed light on issues that we need to address and in this moment, this painting, He stepped in and said “Amanda, you haven’t let go of this. You’re being tight fisted about these past hurts and you need to open up and share to be healed.”
It’s not that I didn’t think God could help me through it because I knew he had brought me to where I am now and had already blessed me and rebuilt so much of my life. It was more that I didn’t want to deal anymore with those things.
You see I had spent a lot of time and energy trying to fix it myself, but despite my best efforts to crazy glue, duct tape and cement that sucker back together it was still broken, so I gave up, I dug deep and I buried it so I wouldn’t have to deal with it ever again.
But dammit, it comes at a cost and that debt was starting to come due. I had walled off part of me, buried it deep to protect myself from the past and future hurts, and I never once realized how much of me I had shoved down that hole with it. And I was scared. I was scared to let it out, I was scared to be hurt or broken again.
I mean my shell was just barely holding together as is. If I pulled it out from that tomb I buried it in, I might break beyond recognition. But man, God has a way to fix the un-fixable and nudge us toward his image of us. So here I am, heart in hand, broken into a million pieces handing it to God to fix and do you know what HE brings to my mind? Two things.
#1 Kintsugi. Kintsugi is Japanese and it translates into “Golden repair” and is a centuries old Japanese art of fixing broken pottery with a special gold lacquer as a crack filler. God was reminding me that He was the potter and I was His vessel and that there is VALUE and BEAUTY in those cracks that make me me. Just because I was broken doesn’t mean I was irreparable and to be discarded. It didn’t even mean that God’s love and my faith in Him would make me perfect and flawless. No. it meant that He would use my brokenness, highlight it in Gold, draw attention to it because it’s those Golden cracks in my shell that are the true value, the true testament of what God has done in my life.
And
#2 He reminded me of the purpose for those shining broken seams in Genesis 50:20 “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives” You see, that’s the true miracle, the true testament of God’s love. Can you image sitting there patiently repairing something so broken with something so valuable as Gold? It seems inconceivable, but you are loved and valued that much by the one that made you. You are worth the time and effort because once God is done, you will gleam, radiate and shine a true testament to His craftsmanship.
This painting is gritty and cracked and the inside is flawed but shines with Gold because inside that is exactly what God is doing in my life and is the truest testament I can give. If you pass over your brokenness, God will repair you, the vessel he loves and values. I am proof, because I’ve traded in these broken pieces for beautiful healing golden repairs: Abandonment, Rape, Neglect, Abuse, Depression, Suicide, Loss, Divorce, Anger, Fear, Infertility and Loneliness.
It’s easy to want to lock away the past and the pain, but God can use my golden highlights to help shine hope to someone else. You may be broken now, but you are loved and you are valued and this is not the end; you will glow again!
xo- Amanda
Amanda Milke 